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Use discipline to teach, parents hear The idea shouldn�t be to punish kids, pediatrician tells crowd By JILL BRISKEY However unlikely it may sometimes seem, parents are smarter than their children. That�s why it is up to a child�s caregiver to take on the role of teacher, Medford pediatrician J. Alan Frierson said. Friday, Frierson � a doctor specializing in behavioral pediatrics as well as health care � addressed a large group of parents, grandparents, caretakers and foster parents at the Smullin Center to deliver his speech, "Discipline techniques, from the terrible two�s to the teens." "This is a burning issue for a lot of us," Frierson said. "In one hour, I can�t turn around your life, but I can give you ideas." During the workshop, Frierson offered simple but sometimes "un-American" ideas that revolve around choices, a child�s autonomy and the parents� role to their children and themselves. "The purpose of discipline is not to hurt or punish," he said. "It�s about teaching our kids." Punishment, he said, can teach a child to lie to avoid getting caught. "It doesn�t encourage good behaviors," he added. Frierson acknowledges that some children are so good they make bad parents look great. Others, he added, will make good parents appear bad. "There are some kids that can bring out the worst in their caregivers," Frierson said. "These are the sort of kids that are independent thinkers ... They are going to need a lot of great parenting. Medication isn�t always the answer." Before issuing orders to a child, Frierson suggests that parents offer a choice that can�t be answered with a "no." Instead of simply telling a child to clean a room, he asks parents to offer a compromise such as, "Do you want to clean your room by yourself or with my help?" Parents should also involve their children in projects and chores at an early age, Frierson suggests, such as helping prepare a meal. Many children come to hate the idea of work and learn quickly that if they refuse to participate, then mom or dad will act as a maid for the sake of convenience. "We tend to indulge our kids," Frierson said. "Then the tables turn and we expect our kids to pay us back." Some of Frierson�s advice revolves around common sense. He asked the question, "What does my child learn by watching me?" Saying the old line "I told you to do it," when a child asks why, isn�t an effective discipline tool, he added. "We need a system where kids can preserve their autonomy," he said. "Try working together." Ashland resident Jennifer Clarke came to the talk since her son, Jonathan, is in the middle of the "terrible 2s." "He�s trying, discipline-wise," Clarke said. "The terrible 2s seem to be worse with him than some of the (other children his age)." Clarke said she already uses some of Frierson�s advice but hopes to try a few new methods she picked up Friday. "He made a lot of helpful points," she added. "I already use some things but it�s good to hear a lot of it reinforced." During the workshop, Frierson offered additional tips to harried parents. - Stack the deck with time thresholds so a child can complete chores before a favorite activity takes place. - Use a token reward system where good behavior is rewarded with simple things such as five-minute bedtime reprieve, extra bedtime reading or an outdoor game. - Instead of long-term punishment that hurts the parent more than a sullen child, try short-term durations such as a three-hour grounding where a teen is not allowed to use a telephone, or a quick time-out for toddlers. Reach reporter Jill Briskey at 776-4485, or e-mail [email protected] Family conferences Do your teenagers constantly miss curfew? Does your adolescent refuse to keep his room clean or does your toddler fight against bedtime? Medford pediatrician J. Alan Frierson suggests that parents schedule a family conference to discuss important issues and establish rules and routines. Frierson suggests that both parents and children actively participate and work together to work out the problems and find the answers. - Pick a time and place and then set the stage. - Describe your feelings. - Ask for help from the child. - Make a list of possible solutions. - Get the entire group to buy into one solution. - Agree on the consequences. - Get it in writing. Mail Tribune Home | Ottaway Newspapers, Inc. | Dow Jones & Co., Inc. | Privacy | Contact Us Copyright � 2001 Mail Tribune, Inc.